hello old friend.

ok so... almost a year & a half later heh
i wanna write again.
i used to write allllll the time.
now i NEVER do.
1 thing i really wanna do is make a list of 100 things to do before i die..
i needa finish it!

i have a wonderful family,
a perfect boyfriend,
a great job,
lotta nice material possessions..
all i want now is a best friend.
a best GIRL friend.
it*s so hard to find 1.
allll my life i*ve been screwed over.
ok so wah wah who hasn*t, but still.
it*s ridiculous!
i have really big trust issues when it comes to girls/friends now,
because of that.

ehh.. i*m all over the place.
done for the night!

laterrr <3

exhausted

the past week or so..

i*ve been pms-ing..

so yesterday it caught up to me..

(cuz i*ve been working a lot & what-not)..

i got off work at 5..

went home,

eventually ate dinner

& crashed at 8:30 to take a "nap"..

i woke up at 11:30

& i didn*t feel rested at all.

i watched amnt

& then slept again..

til 10 am today.

gosh it felt good!

=)



now i*m at my bf*s fixing up his space!

i love html!!



k bye!

<3>

ooops! =x

ok so yesterday i had to work.
i had in my phone that i was scheduled to work at 7:15 am - 12:00 pm.
so the night before i left hanging out w/my friends early
& told my bf i couldn*t really talk
cuz i had to work early.
so i woke up at 6:45 am,
rushed around & got ready..
i got to work at 7:16 am..
i walked in & was about to clock in
& then a girl that works there asked:
"are you here today sweetheart?"
& i was like "yeah.."
her - "are you sure? you*re not on-line.."
so i checked the schedule "yeah, it*s thursday, right?"
then i looked again
& the schedule said 7:15 PM - 12:00 AM..
i was sooooo irritated,
cuz i hate working nights.
grrr i was so bummed.
extra becuz that night i was supposed to watch The Office w/my bf..
=/
so anyway,
the day goes on..
i end up taking a nap at like 6 pm..
set my alarm for 6:45 pm.
i slept thru it!!
i woke up to my work calling me..
i didn*t answer it..
i was a little stressed so i just brushed my teeth
then called work.
i .....i........ilied...... & said i thought it was tomorrow,
she told me it was today & asked if i could come in..
i said i*d be there in 15 mins.
i ended up getting there at 8 pm..
haha she wasn*t mad or anything.
a few of the girls there asked me what i had been doing when she called.
i told them that i had been napping
becuz my bf was gonna come over & we were gonna watch The Office.
they felt bad for me..
hahaha yikes!
so i lied.
the night ended up being really chill
& it went by fast.

i feel kinda bad for lying
but i didn*t wanna get in trouble..

oooo dearr...
=/

-the liar.

praise the Lord.

so let*s just say
everything is reallly good right now.
i work at ralph*s as a courtesy clerk.
i work 5 days a week
& so now i finally have money
& i can pay my bills & what-not!
i love my boyfriend
& everything is perfect in that area.
uhh.. o!
i*m supposed to be in this band.
which should be rad.
i just needa pray a looooottt!
& start writing songs.

i*m good tho.
like no.
i*m wonderful.

thank You Jesus for always providing!

that*s my short update.
laterr. =)

questioning.

so for the past few months..
i haven*t had the tightest relationship w/Jesus.
i haven*t really read my Bible since like..
november maybe?..
i*m just..
when things go so horribly wrong,
i wonder why God lets it happen.
like it always happens w/me.
i have a cycle
& in reality, like i know it*s all my fault,
but i still "blame" it on God.
i dunno why...
but then i get kinda scared of him
& i feel so shameful & just lame,
so it gets realllly hard for me to talk to Him.
cuz i know i*ve let Him down,
& i*m just so undeserving of His grace.
i "avoid" Him.
even tho that*s completely ridiculous,
since He*s alllways there
& He knows everything.
i need Him so much.
but it*s so hard to go back to Him.
cuz i*m just scared.
i*m scared of failing again!!
& during this whole period,
He*s showered me w/blessings.
main 1: my josh <7
& i just don*t understand!
it really irritates me i guess,
cuz i love to be in control
& just know what*s going on.

i need a job so bad.
like it*s ridiculous.
& i have this amazing opportunity for a great job!
& i just really hope (& pray) that i get it.
but i don*t wanna ask Him
cuz i feel so stupid
& like i*m only going to Him when i need/want something
so yeah..

i know i needa just give up
& let Him have control
cuz that*s the only time i experience complete & pure joy.
but I keep myself from Him.
i think my stubborn-ness also adds to the problem.

i just {{n e e e d}} Jesus.

why i love joshua robert hernandez.

the way he hugs
the way he kisses me
the way he looks at me
the way he holds me
the way he touches me
the way he laughs
the way he smiles
the way he talks
the way he smiles
the way he listens
the way he jokes
the way he makes me laugh
the way he plays his guitar
the way he tells me what*s on his mind
the way he gives me butterflies
the way we*re always on the same page
the way he sounds when he*s really tired
the way he knows what i mean
the way he understands
the way he makes it known that i*m his, only his
the way he makes it known that he*s mine, only mine
the way he opens doors for me
the way he carries things for me
the way he interacts w/his brother
the way he interacts w/his friends
the way he trusts me
the way he respects me & my opinion
the way he values/treasures me
the way he makes it worth it
the way he tries so hard to not be an idiot
the way he makes me tell him difficult things
the way he*s honest w/me
the way he cares about me
the way he wants to know about my day & what-not
the way he misses me
the way he apologizes when he*s wrong/makes (a) mistake(s)
the way he lets me be me
the way he puts up w/me
the way he handles me
the way he makes me feel wanted
the way he likes to hear me sing
the way he says "i adore you"
the way he talks when he*s tired & falling asleep
the way he hates to hang up 1st
the way he puts effort into our relationship
the way he wants to show me off
the way he loves God
the way he talks about our wedding
the way he thinks of names for our kids
the way he talks about our future together
the way he tries to just live a day at a time
the way he uses little spanish phrases
the way he can immitate pretty much any1 perfectly
the way he teaches me (about) things
the way he*s proud of me
the way he smiles after we kiss
the way he says "ooo youuu"
the way he feels
the way he smells
the way he is when he wakes up after we*ve fallen asleep
the way he believes in his band
the way he works hard for his dream
the way he drums
the way he makes the cutest faces ever
the way he*s realllllly attractive
the way he protects me
the way he treats me like his queen
the way he gives me butterflies
the way he doesn*t hide things
the way he is w/his family
the way he dresses
the way he always looks frikkin handsome
the way he does things for me even tho he wouldn*t really do it otherwise
the way he makes sure i*m safe
the way he pays for me w/out even caring
the way he changed my flat tire
the way he gets nervous sometimes
the way he makes every1 laugh
the way he teases me
the way he massages me
the way he is weirder than me
the way he sings
the way he performs
the way he is so nerdy
the way he is smart
the way he is mature
the way he*s gentle
the way he*s sensitive
the way he takes care of me
the way he ...
the way he loves me right back.

=)

dream boy.

sooo...
my dream boy consists of many things.
i made a list when i was 14.. on february 8, 2004.
here it is:

-hardcore Christian (he is firm in his faith)
-older than me (1 month younger than me)
-sweet (yes)
-funny (yes)
-spontaneous (sometimes)
-interesting (yes)
-smart/intelligent (yes)
-plays an instrument (vocal chords, guitar, bass, drums)
-has big dreams (wants to be a rockstar)
-does an extreme sport, preferably skateboarding (skateboards on occasion)
-doesn*t go to my church or didn*t come from my church (yes)
-trustworthy (yes)
-respectful (yes)
-honest (yes)
-has a good job (starbuck*s)
-encouraging/supportive (yess)
-fun (yess)
-sensitive (yes)
-random (yes)
-can cook (microwave haha)
-good writer/poetic to an extent (writes songs)
-far from boring (yes)
-speaks a dif. language along w/english (some german, some spanish)
-mysterious (haha)
-good-looking/handsome (yesss & cute & attractive & yes)
-dark hair (yes)
-dark eyes (yes)
-dresses to my tastes (yes)
-virgin
-trusts me & doesn*t doubt me (yes)
-understanding (yes)
-romantic (sometimes)
-good hugger (yes)
-in good shape/nice body/muscular/not gross tho (yes)
-white teeth/good smile (very cute smile)
-makes eye-contact (yes)
-independent (kinda)
-confident of himself/sure in who he is (yes)
(now i*m gonna add a few more)
-taller than me (yes)
-weird like me (yes)
-treasures/adores me (yes)
-gets along w/my family (for the most part)
-i get along w/his friends (yes)
-good listener (most of the time)
-talks to me/opens up (working on that)
-always tells me random things on his mind (yess)

=)

so pretty much that*s all i can think of for now..
i*m gonna go down the list again
& see if i*ve found my dream boy..

well, he fits most of the list.
& the most important things that are on there..

meet the boy who truly makes me happier than i*ve ever been:

yup i extremely more than like him.
don*t tell him but..
i*m in love w/him.
=X ssshhhhhH!