questioning.

so for the past few months..
i haven*t had the tightest relationship w/Jesus.
i haven*t really read my Bible since like..
november maybe?..
i*m just..
when things go so horribly wrong,
i wonder why God lets it happen.
like it always happens w/me.
i have a cycle
& in reality, like i know it*s all my fault,
but i still "blame" it on God.
i dunno why...
but then i get kinda scared of him
& i feel so shameful & just lame,
so it gets realllly hard for me to talk to Him.
cuz i know i*ve let Him down,
& i*m just so undeserving of His grace.
i "avoid" Him.
even tho that*s completely ridiculous,
since He*s alllways there
& He knows everything.
i need Him so much.
but it*s so hard to go back to Him.
cuz i*m just scared.
i*m scared of failing again!!
& during this whole period,
He*s showered me w/blessings.
main 1: my josh <7
& i just don*t understand!
it really irritates me i guess,
cuz i love to be in control
& just know what*s going on.

i need a job so bad.
like it*s ridiculous.
& i have this amazing opportunity for a great job!
& i just really hope (& pray) that i get it.
but i don*t wanna ask Him
cuz i feel so stupid
& like i*m only going to Him when i need/want something
so yeah..

i know i needa just give up
& let Him have control
cuz that*s the only time i experience complete & pure joy.
but I keep myself from Him.
i think my stubborn-ness also adds to the problem.

i just {{n e e e d}} Jesus.