questioning.

so for the past few months..
i haven*t had the tightest relationship w/Jesus.
i haven*t really read my Bible since like..
november maybe?..
i*m just..
when things go so horribly wrong,
i wonder why God lets it happen.
like it always happens w/me.
i have a cycle
& in reality, like i know it*s all my fault,
but i still "blame" it on God.
i dunno why...
but then i get kinda scared of him
& i feel so shameful & just lame,
so it gets realllly hard for me to talk to Him.
cuz i know i*ve let Him down,
& i*m just so undeserving of His grace.
i "avoid" Him.
even tho that*s completely ridiculous,
since He*s alllways there
& He knows everything.
i need Him so much.
but it*s so hard to go back to Him.
cuz i*m just scared.
i*m scared of failing again!!
& during this whole period,
He*s showered me w/blessings.
main 1: my josh <7
& i just don*t understand!
it really irritates me i guess,
cuz i love to be in control
& just know what*s going on.

i need a job so bad.
like it*s ridiculous.
& i have this amazing opportunity for a great job!
& i just really hope (& pray) that i get it.
but i don*t wanna ask Him
cuz i feel so stupid
& like i*m only going to Him when i need/want something
so yeah..

i know i needa just give up
& let Him have control
cuz that*s the only time i experience complete & pure joy.
but I keep myself from Him.
i think my stubborn-ness also adds to the problem.

i just {{n e e e d}} Jesus.

why i love joshua robert hernandez.

the way he hugs
the way he kisses me
the way he looks at me
the way he holds me
the way he touches me
the way he laughs
the way he smiles
the way he talks
the way he smiles
the way he listens
the way he jokes
the way he makes me laugh
the way he plays his guitar
the way he tells me what*s on his mind
the way he gives me butterflies
the way we*re always on the same page
the way he sounds when he*s really tired
the way he knows what i mean
the way he understands
the way he makes it known that i*m his, only his
the way he makes it known that he*s mine, only mine
the way he opens doors for me
the way he carries things for me
the way he interacts w/his brother
the way he interacts w/his friends
the way he trusts me
the way he respects me & my opinion
the way he values/treasures me
the way he makes it worth it
the way he tries so hard to not be an idiot
the way he makes me tell him difficult things
the way he*s honest w/me
the way he cares about me
the way he wants to know about my day & what-not
the way he misses me
the way he apologizes when he*s wrong/makes (a) mistake(s)
the way he lets me be me
the way he puts up w/me
the way he handles me
the way he makes me feel wanted
the way he likes to hear me sing
the way he says "i adore you"
the way he talks when he*s tired & falling asleep
the way he hates to hang up 1st
the way he puts effort into our relationship
the way he wants to show me off
the way he loves God
the way he talks about our wedding
the way he thinks of names for our kids
the way he talks about our future together
the way he tries to just live a day at a time
the way he uses little spanish phrases
the way he can immitate pretty much any1 perfectly
the way he teaches me (about) things
the way he*s proud of me
the way he smiles after we kiss
the way he says "ooo youuu"
the way he feels
the way he smells
the way he is when he wakes up after we*ve fallen asleep
the way he believes in his band
the way he works hard for his dream
the way he drums
the way he makes the cutest faces ever
the way he*s realllllly attractive
the way he protects me
the way he treats me like his queen
the way he gives me butterflies
the way he doesn*t hide things
the way he is w/his family
the way he dresses
the way he always looks frikkin handsome
the way he does things for me even tho he wouldn*t really do it otherwise
the way he makes sure i*m safe
the way he pays for me w/out even caring
the way he changed my flat tire
the way he gets nervous sometimes
the way he makes every1 laugh
the way he teases me
the way he massages me
the way he is weirder than me
the way he sings
the way he performs
the way he is so nerdy
the way he is smart
the way he is mature
the way he*s gentle
the way he*s sensitive
the way he takes care of me
the way he ...
the way he loves me right back.

=)