exhausted

the past week or so..

i*ve been pms-ing..

so yesterday it caught up to me..

(cuz i*ve been working a lot & what-not)..

i got off work at 5..

went home,

eventually ate dinner

& crashed at 8:30 to take a "nap"..

i woke up at 11:30

& i didn*t feel rested at all.

i watched amnt

& then slept again..

til 10 am today.

gosh it felt good!

=)



now i*m at my bf*s fixing up his space!

i love html!!



k bye!

<3>

ooops! =x

ok so yesterday i had to work.
i had in my phone that i was scheduled to work at 7:15 am - 12:00 pm.
so the night before i left hanging out w/my friends early
& told my bf i couldn*t really talk
cuz i had to work early.
so i woke up at 6:45 am,
rushed around & got ready..
i got to work at 7:16 am..
i walked in & was about to clock in
& then a girl that works there asked:
"are you here today sweetheart?"
& i was like "yeah.."
her - "are you sure? you*re not on-line.."
so i checked the schedule "yeah, it*s thursday, right?"
then i looked again
& the schedule said 7:15 PM - 12:00 AM..
i was sooooo irritated,
cuz i hate working nights.
grrr i was so bummed.
extra becuz that night i was supposed to watch The Office w/my bf..
=/
so anyway,
the day goes on..
i end up taking a nap at like 6 pm..
set my alarm for 6:45 pm.
i slept thru it!!
i woke up to my work calling me..
i didn*t answer it..
i was a little stressed so i just brushed my teeth
then called work.
i .....i........ilied...... & said i thought it was tomorrow,
she told me it was today & asked if i could come in..
i said i*d be there in 15 mins.
i ended up getting there at 8 pm..
haha she wasn*t mad or anything.
a few of the girls there asked me what i had been doing when she called.
i told them that i had been napping
becuz my bf was gonna come over & we were gonna watch The Office.
they felt bad for me..
hahaha yikes!
so i lied.
the night ended up being really chill
& it went by fast.

i feel kinda bad for lying
but i didn*t wanna get in trouble..

oooo dearr...
=/

-the liar.

praise the Lord.

so let*s just say
everything is reallly good right now.
i work at ralph*s as a courtesy clerk.
i work 5 days a week
& so now i finally have money
& i can pay my bills & what-not!
i love my boyfriend
& everything is perfect in that area.
uhh.. o!
i*m supposed to be in this band.
which should be rad.
i just needa pray a looooottt!
& start writing songs.

i*m good tho.
like no.
i*m wonderful.

thank You Jesus for always providing!

that*s my short update.
laterr. =)

questioning.

so for the past few months..
i haven*t had the tightest relationship w/Jesus.
i haven*t really read my Bible since like..
november maybe?..
i*m just..
when things go so horribly wrong,
i wonder why God lets it happen.
like it always happens w/me.
i have a cycle
& in reality, like i know it*s all my fault,
but i still "blame" it on God.
i dunno why...
but then i get kinda scared of him
& i feel so shameful & just lame,
so it gets realllly hard for me to talk to Him.
cuz i know i*ve let Him down,
& i*m just so undeserving of His grace.
i "avoid" Him.
even tho that*s completely ridiculous,
since He*s alllways there
& He knows everything.
i need Him so much.
but it*s so hard to go back to Him.
cuz i*m just scared.
i*m scared of failing again!!
& during this whole period,
He*s showered me w/blessings.
main 1: my josh <7
& i just don*t understand!
it really irritates me i guess,
cuz i love to be in control
& just know what*s going on.

i need a job so bad.
like it*s ridiculous.
& i have this amazing opportunity for a great job!
& i just really hope (& pray) that i get it.
but i don*t wanna ask Him
cuz i feel so stupid
& like i*m only going to Him when i need/want something
so yeah..

i know i needa just give up
& let Him have control
cuz that*s the only time i experience complete & pure joy.
but I keep myself from Him.
i think my stubborn-ness also adds to the problem.

i just {{n e e e d}} Jesus.

why i love joshua robert hernandez.

the way he hugs
the way he kisses me
the way he looks at me
the way he holds me
the way he touches me
the way he laughs
the way he smiles
the way he talks
the way he smiles
the way he listens
the way he jokes
the way he makes me laugh
the way he plays his guitar
the way he tells me what*s on his mind
the way he gives me butterflies
the way we*re always on the same page
the way he sounds when he*s really tired
the way he knows what i mean
the way he understands
the way he makes it known that i*m his, only his
the way he makes it known that he*s mine, only mine
the way he opens doors for me
the way he carries things for me
the way he interacts w/his brother
the way he interacts w/his friends
the way he trusts me
the way he respects me & my opinion
the way he values/treasures me
the way he makes it worth it
the way he tries so hard to not be an idiot
the way he makes me tell him difficult things
the way he*s honest w/me
the way he cares about me
the way he wants to know about my day & what-not
the way he misses me
the way he apologizes when he*s wrong/makes (a) mistake(s)
the way he lets me be me
the way he puts up w/me
the way he handles me
the way he makes me feel wanted
the way he likes to hear me sing
the way he says "i adore you"
the way he talks when he*s tired & falling asleep
the way he hates to hang up 1st
the way he puts effort into our relationship
the way he wants to show me off
the way he loves God
the way he talks about our wedding
the way he thinks of names for our kids
the way he talks about our future together
the way he tries to just live a day at a time
the way he uses little spanish phrases
the way he can immitate pretty much any1 perfectly
the way he teaches me (about) things
the way he*s proud of me
the way he smiles after we kiss
the way he says "ooo youuu"
the way he feels
the way he smells
the way he is when he wakes up after we*ve fallen asleep
the way he believes in his band
the way he works hard for his dream
the way he drums
the way he makes the cutest faces ever
the way he*s realllllly attractive
the way he protects me
the way he treats me like his queen
the way he gives me butterflies
the way he doesn*t hide things
the way he is w/his family
the way he dresses
the way he always looks frikkin handsome
the way he does things for me even tho he wouldn*t really do it otherwise
the way he makes sure i*m safe
the way he pays for me w/out even caring
the way he changed my flat tire
the way he gets nervous sometimes
the way he makes every1 laugh
the way he teases me
the way he massages me
the way he is weirder than me
the way he sings
the way he performs
the way he is so nerdy
the way he is smart
the way he is mature
the way he*s gentle
the way he*s sensitive
the way he takes care of me
the way he ...
the way he loves me right back.

=)

dream boy.

sooo...
my dream boy consists of many things.
i made a list when i was 14.. on february 8, 2004.
here it is:

-hardcore Christian (he is firm in his faith)
-older than me (1 month younger than me)
-sweet (yes)
-funny (yes)
-spontaneous (sometimes)
-interesting (yes)
-smart/intelligent (yes)
-plays an instrument (vocal chords, guitar, bass, drums)
-has big dreams (wants to be a rockstar)
-does an extreme sport, preferably skateboarding (skateboards on occasion)
-doesn*t go to my church or didn*t come from my church (yes)
-trustworthy (yes)
-respectful (yes)
-honest (yes)
-has a good job (starbuck*s)
-encouraging/supportive (yess)
-fun (yess)
-sensitive (yes)
-random (yes)
-can cook (microwave haha)
-good writer/poetic to an extent (writes songs)
-far from boring (yes)
-speaks a dif. language along w/english (some german, some spanish)
-mysterious (haha)
-good-looking/handsome (yesss & cute & attractive & yes)
-dark hair (yes)
-dark eyes (yes)
-dresses to my tastes (yes)
-virgin
-trusts me & doesn*t doubt me (yes)
-understanding (yes)
-romantic (sometimes)
-good hugger (yes)
-in good shape/nice body/muscular/not gross tho (yes)
-white teeth/good smile (very cute smile)
-makes eye-contact (yes)
-independent (kinda)
-confident of himself/sure in who he is (yes)
(now i*m gonna add a few more)
-taller than me (yes)
-weird like me (yes)
-treasures/adores me (yes)
-gets along w/my family (for the most part)
-i get along w/his friends (yes)
-good listener (most of the time)
-talks to me/opens up (working on that)
-always tells me random things on his mind (yess)

=)

so pretty much that*s all i can think of for now..
i*m gonna go down the list again
& see if i*ve found my dream boy..

well, he fits most of the list.
& the most important things that are on there..

meet the boy who truly makes me happier than i*ve ever been:

yup i extremely more than like him.
don*t tell him but..
i*m in love w/him.
=X ssshhhhhH!

l o v e .

4 simple letters that make up 1 seemingly simple word.
o but how much more wrong could you get!
love is probably the biggest word everr..
like in meaning.
a whiiiiiile ago, i wrote out my definition of love.
it was on my old computer
which is now old & broken,
so i don*t have it.
i*m gonna try it again.

let me show you the webster*s dictionary definition:

1 a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b: an assurance of love

here*s what dictionary.com says:

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

NOW here*s what the Bible says:

1 Corinthians 13 - 1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


& to me, love is an action, along w/a feeling.
love is a choice, a decision.
it*s selflessly deciding to put some1 & their interests & well-being before yourself.
it*s making a choice to love the person no matter what.
it*s not thinking it*s always gonna be flowers & sunshine & rainbows
but knowing that it*s gonna be hard sometimes.
it*s deciding to always care about some1
& always love them regardless.
nothing can take it away,
nothing can change it.
it*s choosing 1 person to invest in,
1 person to take a risk on,
1 person.
it*s also a feeling cuz you just know.
it*s like strong feelings of affection, admiration, adoration..
you get butterflies & your heart beats faster & slower at the same time,
you feel just this amazing way about some1.
it*s indescribable.
there are no words to express the word "love."
it just makes you... happy,
but that seems like such a lame word to describe it.
love is a forever thing.
once you make that decision,
you can never take it back.
you give a piece of your heart away,
& you are trusting the person to protect it,
you are also never going to get it back,
no matter what.
love is the most incredible thing in the world.
& only God does it purely & perfectly.



.....are you my 1 true love?

transition.

so i stayed over at my sister*s on tuesday night..
we were talking about weddings & marriage & "girly" stuff.
she asked me if i were to get married now,
who would my bridesmaids be..
she would be my matron-of-honor,
shamon (little sister) would be my maid-of-honor,
tiffy would be a bridesmaid,
& laurie too.
.....& that*s it.

i used to have 8!
the 4 i already listed plus
emily, rose, autumn, & amelia.
it hasn*t been that long since i had 8.
things have just changed.

my sister told me i*m in transition mode.
& i hadn*t even realized that til she pointed it out.

i am 18 years old.
i have "completed" 1 semester of college,
which was pretty much a bust.
i live at home,
i am unemployed but searching.
(i wanna work at washington mutual).
i sing, i wanna lead worship.
i wanna be in a band.
i haven*t gone to church in months.
i*m super broke.
i*m changing..
like how i feel about things,
what i like,
my hobbies & what-not..
they*re changing.
i don*t exactly know why,
but it*s happening.
my best friends (except tiffini) & i are growing apart.

1 more thing: i have a boyfriend.
his name is josh hernandez.
i*ve known him since june.
we were/are friends.
september i started crushing him.
brushed it aside.
december it came back
& i went w/it.
january 15th - officialized.
he & i are practically complete opposites.
we have enough things in common so that we understand each other
but we have m a n y things that are super different..
{{& i like it so much.}}
it makes things more interesting;
he teaches me new things
& broadens my horizons.
& even tho we*re "opposite" everything seems to be so natural.
everything seems as if it*s what*s supposed to be.
it*s too easy sometimes
& i feel like it*s too good to be true.
let*s just say... this boy is a big deal.
liiiiike, there*s something about him..
i am terrified of him
becuz i have never felt this way
& i never thought i would.
just cuz of things that have happened in the past.
but nonetheless, this thing is happening.
it*s the closest thing to perfect.
he*s the closest thing to perfect,
(i hope i don*t ever have to take this back
& i don*t wanna be proven wrong.)
& not webster*s dictionary perfect,
i mean the only perfect that he possesses,
the perfect that is made up of imperfections,
the kind that i adore & desire.
we*re moving slow,
taking it a day at a time
but i mean, i can*t help but think ahead.
this boy.. could be the 1.
& that excites me,
but still i don*t wanna be naive.
i don*t wanna get hurt.
i don*t wanna be manipulated,
i don*t wanna be something i*m not.
i like him a looot. a lot.

i*m so scared of ruining anything when it comes to him.
i don*t wanna tell people about him,
i don*t want him to meet any1,
i*m just so scared of failure.

so last night,
we talked about weddings.
it was not awkward at all.
it was normal.
i like that.
^_^

i*m trying so hard to think
& be smart
& make sure to not let my emotions rule.

i love my best friends, 4 boys.
they are my brothers, my family.
& they are my answered prayers,
what made me who i am today.
it breaks my heart to think that we*re growing apart.
i love them too much
& i can*t stand to lose them.
so i*m hoping we*re just going thru a funk.
i think we are,
i*ll make sure that*s all it is.
cuz it*d kill 4 BIG giant pieces of my heart if i lost them.

anyway, i*m kinda confused what i*m transitioning into.
i am curious, anxious, excited, nervous, terrified, happy.. about/for it.

sweetest Savior of mine,

let Your will be done.

lead me.

take me.

i*m so scared, Lord.

i need You.

teach me patience.

& be my strength to get thru this.

i love You.

AMEN.

we*ll see what the future holds, eh?