transition.

so i stayed over at my sister*s on tuesday night..
we were talking about weddings & marriage & "girly" stuff.
she asked me if i were to get married now,
who would my bridesmaids be..
she would be my matron-of-honor,
shamon (little sister) would be my maid-of-honor,
tiffy would be a bridesmaid,
& laurie too.
.....& that*s it.

i used to have 8!
the 4 i already listed plus
emily, rose, autumn, & amelia.
it hasn*t been that long since i had 8.
things have just changed.

my sister told me i*m in transition mode.
& i hadn*t even realized that til she pointed it out.

i am 18 years old.
i have "completed" 1 semester of college,
which was pretty much a bust.
i live at home,
i am unemployed but searching.
(i wanna work at washington mutual).
i sing, i wanna lead worship.
i wanna be in a band.
i haven*t gone to church in months.
i*m super broke.
i*m changing..
like how i feel about things,
what i like,
my hobbies & what-not..
they*re changing.
i don*t exactly know why,
but it*s happening.
my best friends (except tiffini) & i are growing apart.

1 more thing: i have a boyfriend.
his name is josh hernandez.
i*ve known him since june.
we were/are friends.
september i started crushing him.
brushed it aside.
december it came back
& i went w/it.
january 15th - officialized.
he & i are practically complete opposites.
we have enough things in common so that we understand each other
but we have m a n y things that are super different..
{{& i like it so much.}}
it makes things more interesting;
he teaches me new things
& broadens my horizons.
& even tho we*re "opposite" everything seems to be so natural.
everything seems as if it*s what*s supposed to be.
it*s too easy sometimes
& i feel like it*s too good to be true.
let*s just say... this boy is a big deal.
liiiiike, there*s something about him..
i am terrified of him
becuz i have never felt this way
& i never thought i would.
just cuz of things that have happened in the past.
but nonetheless, this thing is happening.
it*s the closest thing to perfect.
he*s the closest thing to perfect,
(i hope i don*t ever have to take this back
& i don*t wanna be proven wrong.)
& not webster*s dictionary perfect,
i mean the only perfect that he possesses,
the perfect that is made up of imperfections,
the kind that i adore & desire.
we*re moving slow,
taking it a day at a time
but i mean, i can*t help but think ahead.
this boy.. could be the 1.
& that excites me,
but still i don*t wanna be naive.
i don*t wanna get hurt.
i don*t wanna be manipulated,
i don*t wanna be something i*m not.
i like him a looot. a lot.

i*m so scared of ruining anything when it comes to him.
i don*t wanna tell people about him,
i don*t want him to meet any1,
i*m just so scared of failure.

so last night,
we talked about weddings.
it was not awkward at all.
it was normal.
i like that.
^_^

i*m trying so hard to think
& be smart
& make sure to not let my emotions rule.

i love my best friends, 4 boys.
they are my brothers, my family.
& they are my answered prayers,
what made me who i am today.
it breaks my heart to think that we*re growing apart.
i love them too much
& i can*t stand to lose them.
so i*m hoping we*re just going thru a funk.
i think we are,
i*ll make sure that*s all it is.
cuz it*d kill 4 BIG giant pieces of my heart if i lost them.

anyway, i*m kinda confused what i*m transitioning into.
i am curious, anxious, excited, nervous, terrified, happy.. about/for it.

sweetest Savior of mine,

let Your will be done.

lead me.

take me.

i*m so scared, Lord.

i need You.

teach me patience.

& be my strength to get thru this.

i love You.

AMEN.

we*ll see what the future holds, eh?